Why Don't Dogs Have Cellulite?

Just asking.

Seems that the latest spa trend (this week) is some kind of slimming, de-wrinkling or cellulite-busting "treatment" that promises instant results! great toned muscles! no more cottage-cheese knees! or something equally ridiculous!

I've seen these anti-cellulite "treatments" featuring scary close-ups of Spandex-clad butts and they scare me just as much as you. Why do you think I don't wear spandex in public? All those papparazzi just waiting to catch me at Rite Aid, snatching some laxatives and birth-control tests. Oh wait, that's Britney.

Never mind.

Back to back fat. No one's perfect (I'm the first to admit that one) and cellulite can't be tamed into submission. Cellulite is merely fat on steroids. Fed by Cheetos, S'mores and Nutty Buddies. And all those other delicious things we're not supposed to eat in excess.

And no spa treatment touting its eradication is worth the paper it's touted on.

You want to get rid of that....stuff? Then you have to give up the extra goodies and start some kind of exercise program. At your own personal comfort level.

That's it. No magic bullet, potion or "target treatment" is going to dislodge those peaks and valleys from "your secret shame" and that's the truth. And if "Posh" Spice and JLo purportedly have "dimply knees" then there's absolutely no hope for us mere mortals.

For one thing, "Posh" probably weighs about 70 pounds and JLo is still pregnant, isn't she? Leave their knees alone! I have to stop reading those celebrity blogs...my new addiction. But at least I weaned off Snickers...

So, either learn to love those dimples (think of them as Viggo's chins) and stop tormenting yourself, or do the sensible thing. As in, don't waste money by going for multiple treatments (because they're ALWAYS multiple) promising the impossible. To speak in the vernacular, it ain't gonna happen lady.

Spas are sanctuaries for the souls, respites for the weary and ideally should be sacred places that make you feel BETTER (not worse) about your body, mind and spirit.

So, when you notice a particular spa that promotes eradication of the dreaded "C"-word, run away as fast as you can. And book a facial at Bliss--just ignore the uh, special "C" creams they proudly advertise and ask for the most experienced therapist on board.

If you're in the LA area, that would be a tiny, yet fierecely amazing expert named Kat. Tell her I sent you.

And throw out that Spandex.