No Baths Please, I'm British

And what's that headline supposed to mean, anyway?

Nothing really. Just a way to work the word "bath" into the headline. It's really a terrible play on words (I'm as bad as my husband) about a show that was called, "No Sex Please, We're British." Oh never mind. I mean, I'm sorry I made you read all that. I didn't mean to waste your time.

Coincidentally (or is it?) the important thing here is: never waste money or time having a bath be part of your spa experience. It has got to be one of the stupidest offerings I've ever seen on a spa menu. Yes, they're called menus.

Think about it. Do you really want some stranger helping you into and out of bath water, leaving you alone to "meditate and relax" for 20 minutes? What kind of crap spa treatment is that? Don't worry, I'll tell you: it's a sneaky way to waste water, charge a fortune and give a therapist a little down-time. It just had to be some corporate suit thinking up this gem: "Now look at this profit-wise, Frank. We fill the tub with scented water, maybe scatter some flower petals on top. Plop the broads in and get your employees to do some real work. It's win/win!" said my imaginary CEO.

Except maybe not so imaginary. I had exactly one bath treatment. Or shall we say "attempted" treatment at one of the Red Door Spas. Now, I've had a massage at the same place, so don't rule this chain out. Just say no to taking a bath. So I'm ready for the next part of the "ritual" treatment. Oh yeah, everything is a "ritual" or "traditional" or, more typically, a "signature" treatment. All I know is a rose is a rose is a rose ....

Some rituals you can live without, you know what I mean? Anyway, the first part of the "ritual" was fine--a wonderful exfoliation (I'm being sarcastic, in case you hadn't read previous posts, I HATE exfoliating scrubs) followed by being oiled up and massaged. I think. Sometimes there are so many parts of a treatment, it's hard to keep them all straight.

So, either I'm exfoliated and then massaged, or vice versa. Doesn't matter because the important thing is: When I was in the bath for about 5 minutes, I realized I felt like an errant child whose mother just made her take a bath to get a skunk smell off, or something worse. I hated it and opened up my big mouth to say so. In a nice way, of course. Point is, if you are at a spa, ANY spa, and you're creeped out, uncomfortable or anxious in any way by anything, you simply say: "That's enough. I think this was a bad idea. Maybe another time. It's not you, it's me."

Say anything, just get thee ass out. So I told my WONDERFUL massage therapist (Denise! I remembered! A miracle!) that I was uncomfortable in the bath and please get me the hell out. And because she was a smart cookie (what's a dumb cookie?) and I already knew she had a great sense of humor so she wouldn't take it personally, she wisely said, "No problem," and helped me get out of this HUGE, unnecessary plastic pod like some old geriatric patient. Because it was one of those high-up bathtubs with stupid steps like you're ascending a throne.

All I kept thinking was: what a tremendous, stupid waste of water!!!!! Who needs to waste water in the middle of a drought! Or in the middle of a desert! Sheesh. I think if enough spa-lovers who really love this planet and would like to see our children's children thrive in it one day, we better change our stinkin' habits.

Like coal-burning and mining, deforestation and mountain-top mining. Yep, thanks to dear old 43, mine owners will soon be blowing the tops off revered and holy mountains in Appalachia. Then the Rockies and Southwest mountains. You'll see. Nice job, Brownie. This president has done more damage to this planet than any other before him.

Before I start to sound like Michael Moore (or Mary Moore) let me just throw this out: my husband read me a quote today from Thomas Edison, who (paraphrasing) said "I sure hope people figure out they should be using the sun for energy before they run out of coal and gas." THOMAS EDISON!!!!!

Ok. I'm done.

Don't take a bath at a spa.

The end.